How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
