he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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