You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize