I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
