Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
