Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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