Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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