We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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