Your favorite bartender is back from prision
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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