I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
