Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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