Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize