it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
