Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
