ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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