Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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