I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
