planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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