I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
