Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
