you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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