I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
