How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
