How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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