I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
