i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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