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I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
