Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
