five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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