Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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