so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize