I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
