I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
