omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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