my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i love accidental penises.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
