I cannot find my penis.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
