I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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