you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
