he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
