Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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