How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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