Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
