we made out on top of his cat.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
