i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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