I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
