i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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