Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
