i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
