I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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