is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
