Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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