when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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