We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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