Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
