you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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