I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
