currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
