So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
