I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
