if only i could text you this smell
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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