But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
