your parents love me but you hate me
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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