I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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