just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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