Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
