i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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