tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize