I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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