I smell stomach acid.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
